


Five Gifts for Holly White (And One She Gave)

by heyjupiter



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: 5 Things, Gen, Post-Canon, Rare Women
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-05-01
Packaged: 2018-01-21 11:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1549445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyjupiter/pseuds/heyjupiter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty years in the life of Heisenberg's daughter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Gifts for Holly White (And One She Gave)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kmo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kmo/gifts).



> Thanks to my lovely betas falafelfiction and veradune, who really encouraged me and helped me flesh this out!

1) Holly wakes up and looks at the digital clock by her bed. She knows that if it's before 6:00, she's not supposed to go in her mom's room unless it's an emergency. It's not an emergency, but she's too excited to sleep any more. Today is her first day of kindergarten, and she's been looking forward to it all summer. 

She's all ready to go for kindergarten. Last week they went to the school and met her teacher, Ms. Brito, who is very pretty and nice. And Holly has a new purple backpack her Aunt Marie helped her pick out, and also pencils and crayons and scissors and lots of other fun stuff she can't wait to use. In kindergarten they will have story time and do arts and crafts and have recess. At day care they mostly just watch Disney movies and do coloring books.

Given all that excitement, Holly definitely can't go back to sleep, so she goes down the hallway to watch cartoons. She's allowed to watch cartoons if she gets up before her mom, as long as she keeps the volume low. When she sits down on the couch, she hears voices in the kitchen. Her mom and Flynn must have gotten up early too. 

Flynn usually sleeps in very late when he visits them. They must be excited about her going to kindergarten, too. Holly stands up to join them in the kitchen, but then she hears her name. She decides to sit very quietly and listen to what her mom and brother are talking about. 

Flynn says, "H-have you told Holly what to say if someone… asks about--"

"It's been four years, Flynn. Things are different from when you were in school here."

"I dunno. Everyone at UCLA knows who I am. And that's LA, not Albuquerque. It's been a pretty big news story, and kids can be… kids can be mean."

"Flynn, we've had this conversation before. I'm doing the best I can, and she is _five years old_. What do you want me to tell her?"

"How about the truth? F-for once? The kids at her day care probably already know."

"Look, I--Holly? Is that you?"

Holly bites her lip. She'd been trying to be quiet, but she's gotten a little bored with the conversation. "I was too excited to sleep so I was going to watch TV!" 

"Why don't you come sit with us in the kitchen, sweetie?" Mom says.

Holly pads down the hall to the kitchen. Flynn is sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, and Mom is at the counter with a mixing bowl. Mom smiles. "Do you want me to make you a Mickey Mouse pancake before your first day of school?"

"No thank you, I just want cereal."

"Are you sure? I thought you liked pancakes. I can put some chocolate chips in?"

"I want Lucky Charms," Holly insists. "I can pour them myself!"

"You can't fix every--everything with pancakes, Mom," Flynn says. 

Mom makes a mad face and then says, "Fine, you can have Lucky Charms."

"They're not even real Lucky Charms. They're Marshmallow Mateys," Flynn says.

"Do you really think that you are being helpful right now?" Mom asks.

Flynn shrugs. Holly says, "Are kids gonna be mean to me at school?" 

"God dammit," Mom says.

"Mommy! You said a swear!" 

"Yes, I did, Holly, and I will put a quarter in the swear jar after breakfast."

"Okay," Holly says. She gets the Lucky Charms down from the counter and pours some in her pretty plastic bowl. "Why are kids at kindergarten going to be mean? Ms. Brito said everyone was friends at kindergarten."

"Sweetie, it's just… you know how most families have a mommy and a daddy?"

"Everybody's family is different," Holly recites. "Like how Kyla from daycare has two mommies. And I have a mommy and a brother and an auntie. And a daddy who died from cancer."

"That's right, Holly. Well, Flynn is just worried that kids might tease you for not having a daddy."

Flynn makes an angry sound. Holly says, "Don't worry, Flynn. Everybody's family is different. Everyone knows that. Mommy, your pancake is burning."

"Shit!"

"Mommy, that's _two_ quarters for the swear jar."

Mom throws the pancakes in the sink and Holly pours milk over her cereal. Flynn goes outside. Holly shrugs and eats her breakfast. She likes to eat all the plain cereal first and then at the end it's just marshmallows. She's just about to eat her last bite of marshmallows, when Flynn comes back into the kitchen with a little black box.

"H-Holly, I got you a present. For your first day of school."

"Ooh!" Holly swallows her marshmallows and opens it. There's a pretty gold heart necklace inside. 

"See, it's a locket?" Flynn says, and he pulls the necklace open. There's a picture of him in one half and a picture of her mom on the other side. "T-that way… if you get lonely at school, or whatever… it's like we're with you." 

Holly hugs her brother. "Thanks, Flynn, it's really pretty!" She tries to put it on, but she can't work the clasp. She passes it to Flynn, but he can't open it either, so Mom comes over and fastens it around her neck.

Mom looks at the box and says, "That's a very, _very_ nice gift, Holly. You'll have to be very careful with it, do you understand?" She and Flynn both look mad again and Holly doesn't know why. She wishes they wouldn't fight. In a couple days, Flynn will get on a plane and go back to California, and Holly won't see him again for a long time. 

Flynn says, "It's my money, Mom." 

"Right," Mom mutters. Then she smiles and says, "Holly, why don't you and I go make sure you have everything ready for school today, and Flynn can do the dishes?"

"Okay," Holly says.

"Holly, I love you, okay? You're gonna have a gr-great day at school," Flynn says.

"I know, silly, I love you too," Holly says. Whenever her brother visits, he's always telling her that, like she might forget. Now she's even more excited for kindergarten. She can't wait to show her shiny necklace to everyone at school.

* * *

2) Marisol takes her phone out of her locker and says, "Hey Holly, my mom just texted me that she has to stay late at work, and my dad's out of town for business, and she wants to know if I can go home with you for dinner?" 

Holly towels off her short blonde hair and says, "Sure. My mom won't care. She won't be home from the office until later anyway." It had taken her mom a long time to find a place willing to hire her as an accountant, and the tradeoff was that she ended up working most of the overtime no one else wanted to take. Plus, they need the money, since her mom doesn't like to let Flynn or Aunt Marie help pay for stuff. Holly's not supposed to know about some of this stuff, but their apartment has thin walls.

Marisol frowns. "How are you getting home from swim practice, then?"

"Oh, I take the bus."

"You're allowed?"

Holly shrugs. "I've been taking the bus by myself since I was ten."

"Wow, lucky," Marisol says. 

"I guess," Holly says, knowing she doesn't really have an alternative until she turns 16, three long years from now. Her mom's too busy with work to drive her places most of the time. 

"This will be cool! I've never been to your house before," Marisol says, texting her mom back. "If my mom asks, though, we'll say your mom drove us."

"Sure," Holly says, suddenly nervous about Marisol seeing their apartment. Marisol is Holly's best friend on the swim team, and Holly's spent the night at her house before. She knows how much nicer it is than the apartment where Holly and her mom live. At least it's nicer than the basement apartment they used to live in.

Anyway, Marisol's her friend, and stuff like that shouldn't matter, right? She zips up her swim bag and says, "Let's go, we can catch the 4:45 bus." 

She shows her bus pass and helps Marisol buy a single ticket. It's a 15 minute bus ride from the rec center to Holly's apartment complex. 

"Ooh, you guys have a pool!" Marisol says.

"Yeah," Holly replies, declining to mention that their landlord never cleans it and it's usually too gross to use. Plus it's smaller than the one Marisol's family has in their backyard. She says, "You wanna race?"

"No way, I am exhausted. And _starving_. Coach Thomas had me doing fly drills all afternoon." 

"Pssh, you just know you'd lose." 

"Whatever. I'll totally take you, after we get a snack."

Holly leads her up to the second floor and unlocks the door. She walks in quickly so she doesn't see Marisol's face at their small family room. She keeps going through to the kitchen and peers inside the fridge. "You want a string cheese?"

"No, I want like ten string cheeses," Marisol says, and Holly hands her the package. 

"Um, my mom doesn't buy soda, we pretty much just have water. Oh, or milk." Holly's pretty sure the milk hasn't expired.

"Water's cool. I _love_ water."

Holly gets them both glasses and says, "Wanna study for biology?"

"Ugh, no, can't we just watch TV?"

"We have a test tomorrow."

"Whatever, I know you have an A+ in that class anyway, you don't even need to study."

"I have an A+ because I do study." 

"You deserve a break. All work and no play makes Holly so boring."

"Okay, fine," Holly says. "Just until dinner."

"Yes!" Marisol says. She takes the cheese back to the family room and starts flipping through the channels, making herself right at home. She stops on some Lifetime Original Movie. "Awesome, I love these! They're so cheesy. My mom hates it when I watch them."

Holly hates them too, but she likes Marisol, so she sits down on the couch and peels apart her cheese.

"Hey, have you seen the one of these about your family?" Marisol asks.

"Um, yeah," Holly says softly. Her mom hadn't wanted her to see it, but since Holly had been deemed old enough to stay at home by herself there wasn't a lot she could do to restrict Holly's TV viewing. The movie was more dramatic than the versions of the story Holly had gotten from her mom, brother, and aunt, but based on Holly's internet research, she knew her family was trying to protect her from some of the worst stuff her father had done. 

"It's so crazy! Did your dad really kidnap you when you were a baby?"

Holly bites her lip. "Well, it's not like I remember it, but that's what they tell me."

"What about Jesse Pinkman? Did you ever meet him? The guy who played him in the movie was _so_ hot."

"I was just a baby," Holly says.

"Oh, right. Is he still in jail? I wonder what he looks like?"

"Umm, I remember he got out a few years ago, for good behavior? And you can google him if you want to see what he looks like."

"I'm going to. Or maybe just that actor. I'd love to google him," Marisol says, lifting her eyebrows up and down and grinning. "Hey, what about your mom? I mean, from the movie anyway, it seemed like she was kind of in on it."

"My mom was trying to protect me and my brother!" Holly says, then covers her mouth with her hand. She hadn't meant to say it so loudly.

Marisol looks over. "Oh! Sorry, if you don't want to talk about it… I mean, you know me, I just have a big mouth."

Marisol does have a big mouth, but Holly likes that about her. With Marisol, you never have to worry about what she's thinking, because she'll just blurt it out. Holly says, "Yeah, no, it's cool. People usually talk behind my back, so… yeah. Um. My mom did go to trial, for being an accessory… but she was found not guilty. There was a recording of a phone call my father made, and some other stuff that basically showed she was coerced. He threatened her and stuff. And, you know, kidnapped me. He was… not a good guy." 

All things considered, Holly thinks she's pretty lucky to have avoided knowing her father, although sometimes she thinks it might have been nice to grow up in the house where Flynn had grown up.

Marisol says, "Wow, that's super messed up. And he used to work at J.P. Wynne?"

"Yeah, he was a chemistry teacher there for a long time."

"Man, we were just there for a swim meet two weeks ago. That's so weird."

"Yeah."

"So, um, I guess you guys didn't get to keep any of the drug money? No offense," Marisol says, gesturing vaguely at the apartment.

"Um, no, we didn't," Holly says, picking at her cuticles. "Anything that was related to the drugs was seized. Which it turns out was pretty much everything, I guess."

"That sucks. I'm surprised you guys still live in Albuquerque."

"I guess… my aunt still lives here, and it's like… I don't know. It's home. And moving is hard."

"Well… I'm glad you still live here," Marisol says. She smiles.

"Thanks," Holly says, smiling back. She and Flynn had both lobbied their mother to move away, but she's refused. Flynn even offered to let Holly live with him in California, after she found out the truth about her father and everything, but Mom had said no. That was okay, really--Holly loves her brother, but she's not sure she wants to live with him. Anyway, Holly supposes there are reasons to stay in Albuquerque.

On TV, a woman screams, "You killed my son, you bastard!"

Marisol shivers and says, "This one is creepy. Let's change the channel." She clicks around and finds some inane reality show and says, "Hey, when is your mom coming home?"

"She doesn't usually get home until like 8. I can make mac and cheese for dinner."

"Hmm. Or, we can order pizza and put it on my mom's credit card?" Marisol says. "We can get dipping sticks too, she won't care."

"Sounds awesome," Holly says.

* * *

3) "Holly, what about this one?" Aunt Marie asks.

Without turning, Holly asks, "Is it purple?" She loves her aunt, but not necessarily her aunt's sense of style.

"More of a lavender. Look! I think it would look great on you."

"Sorry, Aunt Marie. It's just not my color."

"Please, Holly, you look gorgeous in any color. Oh, I can't believe my niece is old enough for prom!"

"Yes, the highlight of every girl's life. It's finally here!" Holly says.

"All right, all right, I understand sarcasm perfectly well, you know. I'm not saying prom is the highlight of your life, but it's just nice to have an excuse to dress up nice and have a cute boy take you out for a fancy dinner."

"I told you, I'm just going with a group of friends."

"Okay, well, even better. Fancy dinner with your girlfriends! Girls' nights out are _so_ important."

"What about this one?" Holly asks, holding up a short emerald green dress. It's pretty plain, as far as prom dresses go. No rhinestones or ruffles, which is what she likes about it.

"Hmm, well, why don't you try it on if you like it? And this one too, just for me, okay?" Aunt Marie asks, thrusting a sparkly violet monstrosity at her. 

Holly sighs. "Okay, okay," she says. She feels vaguely bad about being a dick to Aunt Marie. It's really nice of her to pay for her prom dress, after all. She tries on the purple one first and pops out for Aunt Marie, who beams and takes a hundred photos on her phone. 

"It's so sparkly!" she says.

"I _know_ ," Holly says.

Aunt Marie's less enthused about the green one, but Holly likes it. At least as much as she's going to like any of these dresses.

"I really like this one, Aunt Marie," she says. 

Aunt Marie hesitates and says, "Okay, Hols, if that's the one you like, that's the one we'll get. If you're sure! We haven't even been to Nordstrom's yet."

"Nah, I like this one." Holly's not sure she can handle another department store with Aunt Marie. She's eternally thankful that her mom has to work today, at least. She doesn't think she could stand all of this prom stuff combined with her mom and Aunt Marie's eternal sisterly bickering.

"Well, you look beautiful in it. You'd look beautiful in any of these dresses. Just like your mom when she was this age. I'm sure once you decide to start dating, you could have any guy you want."

Holly's heard all this before, even though her pixie cut and glasses make her look pretty different from of her mom's high school pictures. She says nothing, especially not to point out that dating any high school boy seems like one of the dumbest things she could do. She silently changes out of the dress and back into her jeans and T-shirt. 

Aunt Marie buys the dress and says, "Now, what about shoes? Are you set on shoes?"

Holly shrugs. "I'll probably just wear my fancy flip-flops."

"No! No way. Now, I know fashions have changed since I was your age, but… there is _no way_ you are wearing flip-flops to _prom._ Is this because you're insecure about your height?"

"What? No."

"Because some guys really like tall girls, you know."

"I really don't care if guys like me for my height or not, I just want comfortable shoes."

"Next week maybe you should talk to Dave about your issues about your height."

"Oh my god, Aunt Marie, I don't have any issues about my height, I swear," Holly says, wishing she and her aunt didn't share the same therapist. "All my friends are gonna be wearing flip-flops to prom, too. Even the short ones."

"Hmm," Aunt Marie says, eyebrows lifted skeptically. "Well, let's just at least _look_ at the shoes, okay?"

"Okay," Holly says. She knows she has to pick her battles with Aunt Marie, and she just won a victory with a non-purple dress.

They head out across the mall, but Aunt Marie gets distracted by the Claire's display window before they make it to DSW. "Ooh, Hols, look at the prom jewelry."

Holly laughs. "Yeah, that's exactly what my look was missing, a rhinestone tiara."

Aunt Marie flinches, and Holly says, "Sorry, I was just kidding."

"Did your mom ever tell you about the tiara?"

"No, what tiara?" Holly briefly wonders if she's about to hear some kind of _Princess Diaries_ shit. Your dad wasn't a meth kingpin, he was the king of Estonia! It's all been a huge misunderstanding! It wouldn't be the craziest thing Aunt Marie had ever told her.

Cautiously, Aunt Marie says, "She really never did?"

"No. What are you talking about?"

"Oh… when you were a baby--well, before you were born--at your baby shower, I gave you this beautiful baby tiara. It was white gold, with diamonds…" Aunt Marie trails off dreamily.

"I've never seen it."

"Well… your mom returned it for the money." 

"Oh." That sounds like the super practical mother Holly know and loves.

"I mean, she was right, it was kind of a silly gift, and they did… they did need the money, at the time. But I just wanted my niece to have something beautiful." 

Holly hugs her aunt. "Well, I do. I have a beautiful aunt. And this dress."

Aunt Marie smiles. " _And_ whatever non-flip-flop shoes you pick out, okay? I don't want my only niece showing up at prom looking like some kind of glamorous beachcomber." 

"Okay, okay."

"And if you want a tiara--"

"Let's just get the shoes, Aunt Marie."

"You're right. It's only your junior prom, anyway. Next year, though…"

* * *

4) Holly flips through a copy of _Forbes_ magazine, waiting for her name to be called. She's sitting in the waiting room of the office of the Gretchen  & Elliott Schwartz Foundation, and she's learning a lot about the world's richest people. 

Finally, the chipper receptionist says, "Holly Lambert?" Holly stands up and puts the magazine down. 

"Gretchen will see you now," the receptionist says. "Right this way." 

Holly stands up and smoothes her dress self-consciously before following her to an office that's nicer than her family's apartment. She thinks there might be an actual Georgia O'Keeffe painting on the wall, rather than one of the reproductions that are pasted all across the Land of Enchantment. She tries not to look impressed. Gretchen Schwartz herself stands to shake Holly's hand, jingling an arm full of bracelets.

"Holly! So lovely to meet you. Please, have a seat," she says, gesturing at a chair that probably cost more than a month's rent for Holly and her mom.

"It's nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Schwartz," Holly replies politely.

"Oh, please, call me Gretchen."

"Okay."

"First of all, I want to congratulate you on your academic record. I know it couldn't have been easy… uh… given your circumstances."

Holly struggles to keep her face neutral. "Yes, I study very hard."

"Of course. Of course. And that's why you're receiving the Schwartz Foundation's Promise Scholarship." 

"Yes, and thank you again. It's a... very generous scholarship," Holly says, which is an understatement. It's the same one Flynn had won when he graduated high school, and it's the biggest scholarship she's ever heard of. Something like 12 million dollars, after everything's said and done. 

"It's very important for us to give back to the community," she says primly. 

Holly smiles, like she doesn't know this is her dead father's ex-girlfriend, like she doesn't know this is all some weird publicity stunt or something. She didn't even apply for this scholarship, it just arrived in her mailbox one day. But she read about it online--it's supposed to go to students whose lives have been impacted by substance abuse, which Holly supposes hers technically has. Also, most winners receive $50,000, which is still a good scholarship, but nothing like this. She knows she shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, as they say, but there is definitely something messed up about this horse. 

Holly suspects the Schwartzes feel guilty, somehow, and are attempting to vanquish it through the application of money. Holly's vaguely uncomfortable with it, but not uncomfortable enough to decline the scholarship.

"Well, as a member of the community, I'm very grateful," Holly says, because somewhere underneath her vague resentment, she is grateful. This scholarship is her ticket out of New Mexico. It could be her ticket to a lot of things.

"So, Holly, tell me about your college plans."

"Well, I've been accepted a few places, but right now I'm leaning toward Wellesley College, in Massachusetts."

"Oh, Wellesley! One of the Seven Sisters! How wonderful," Gretchen says with a smile.

"Yeah, I think there's something really supportive about an all-women environment," Holly says, instead of saying, "My family therapist believes my upbringing has given me some trust issues with regards to men." 

"Absolutely, absolutely. And--of course you don't have to decide just now, but do you have an idea of what you might want to study?"

"Yes, I intend to major in biological sciences in the pre-med track, and I hope to continue on to medical school." 

Gretchen nods approvingly. "That's a lovely ambition."

"Thank you," Holly says, praying they don't have to have some bullshitty conversation about her wanting to save lives, the opposite of her villainous father. "I just think the human body is so interesting."

"And you're quite the athlete, too."

"Oh, that's just for fun."

"Well, healthy body, healthy mind!" Gretchen says brightly.

"Mm-hmm."

Gretchen sighs. She says, "Look, Holly, I… you probably know that your late father helped to found Gray Matter."

"Before he became a meth kingpin?"

"Well, yes. Before that," Gretchen says, with an uneasy laugh. "I'm not sure what… what happened to your father. But when I knew him, he was a good man, and… I think he would be proud of the people you and your brother have become."

"I don't care what he would think." 

"Oh! Well--well, that's fair enough, given what you've been through."

"Look, uh, Gretchen, I--I appreciate the scholarship from your foundation, I really, really do. But I don't need your pity. My father left behind a lot of victims, but I'm not a victim. I don't miss my father. You can't miss somebody you don't remember. I grew up with a single mom who supported me as best she could, and a loving older brother, and that's more than a lot of people get. And now, thanks to your foundation, I can attend the college of my dreams. You can put that on your brochures, if you want."

"Okay, Holly. You're right. I--you're right. I… personally, was very upset when I heard the news about your father. We were... close, once, and I… well. This shouldn't be about me. Perhaps it's for the best that you never met him."

Holly nods and stares down at her hands. Aunt Marie had taken her to get a manicure yesterday, in preparation for this meeting. Holly rarely bothers with nail polish, and the pastel pink looks weird to her. 

Gretchen says, "I'm sorry if this is uncomfortable, Holly. I appreciate your honesty. You're clearly a strong young woman, and I think you'll go far."

"Thank you. I intend to."

"Someone from my office will be in touch with you later to discuss the actual financial details. I'd just like to say that I wish you the best, and I hope you'll keep in touch. I can't wait to hear about what great things you go on to accomplish."

Holly takes this as her cue to leave, and she stands up and shakes Gretchen's hand, thanking her again. Gretchen follows her out into the hallway and says, "Have a safe drive! And give my regards to your mother!"

"Will do," Holly says, though given Mom's attitude about this scholarship, Holly doubts her mother wants anything from Gretchen, not even regards. In the parking lot, she puts down the top on the Camaro convertible Flynn had given her for her 16th birthday. She drives back to Albuquerque with the wind in her hair and dreams of the escape she's so close to achieving.

* * *

5) After they triple-check Holly's packing list, Mom says, "Okay, sweetie, it's your last night in Albuquerque until Thanksgiving. What do you want to do? We can get dinner anywhere you want. Or if you want to hang out with your friends I… will understand."

"Nah, I already said goodbye to my friends at brunch today. How about if we just get pizza and a movie?" 

"Are you sure? When you go off to college, it's gonna be nothing but pizza. This could be your last chance to have green chile sauce for awhile. We could go to El Modelo?"

"I'd rather just stay in. Plus, I have a bottle of green chile in one of my suitcases. It was on my packing list, remember?" Holly had made the list in Excel. It's very thorough.

Mom smiles. "Okay, then, pizza and a movie it is. What do you want to watch?"

"Oh… how about a classic? _Alien_ Scarface," Mom mutters, more to herself than to Holly.

"We can watch Antiques Roadshow afterward, I promise."

"Deal." Holly knows some of her friends watch chick flicks with their moms, but that's not really how they roll in the Lambert household. Here, they are skeptical of romance. _Better to have an alien rip apart your chest than a man_ , Holly thinks.

Mom orders the pizza and they settle in on the couch. It's weird for Holly to think about leaving this apartment, for her to think about her mom being all alone. Of course, she won't be alone, she'll have Aunt Marie to argue and eat salads with. And Holly will be in Massachusetts, far from the remnants of her father's legacy, of tourists who take pictures of the house where Holly had briefly lived with Heisenberg, of school teachers who don't know how to talk to Holly's mom at parent-teacher conferences. She'll have a fresh start.

After the movie, Mom fidgets, like she has something to say but isn't sure how to say it. Holly recognizes this mood and doubts anything good is going to come of it. She's pretty sure she's finally heard all the family secrets, so she braces herself for an updated-for-college sex talk, or maybe a completely unnecessary "don't do drugs" talk. Instead, Mom says, "Holly, I found something in our storage unit… um, I want you to have it, before you go off to college."

"Okay?" Holly's seen their storage unit. It's not exactly packed with heirlooms.

Mom gets up from the couch and comes back with a disc labelled "Holly Baby Shower."

"Oh, wow. Wait, do we still even have a DVD player?" 

"I dug up a portable one, to plug into your laptop," Mom says quietly. She exhales. "It's… if you don't want to watch it right now, I understand, but… I wanted you to take it with you to college, so you'd always remember how much your family loves you. Even before you were born, we loved you." 

"Aww, Mom, don't cry," Holly says, feeling her own eyes fill with tears. Her mom is normally so tough, Holly can't handle it when she cries. "I love you too. Let's watch it."

She sets it up and hits play, then settles back next to her mom. The first thing she sees is her Aunt Marie, saying, "Hi baby, I'm your Aunt Marie. Of course, you already know that, because when you watch this twenty years from now, I will look exactly the same as I do now."

Holly laughs. "Aww. You know, I think Aunt Marie's hair looks better now. And thanks for not naming me Esmeralda. "

"No problem, sweetie," Mom says.

Then her Uncle Hank shows up, joking about taking Aunt Marie to the insane asylum and marrying Shania Twain. She knows he died a hero--god knows Aunt Marie and Flynn have told her enough glowing stories about him--but here, he's forever captured on video looking like kind of a jerk. 

Sensing Holly's reaction, Mom says, "Well, Hank never had the most refined sense of humor, but he had his good qualities."

And then her father, the criminal mastermind, appears on the screen. He seems on the verge of tears as he says, "Holly, I am very proud of you. And I... I think about you all the time. Wherever you go, whatever you do in life...always know that you have a family who loves you very, very much."

Holly asks, "So… at this point he knew he had cancer, right?"

"Yes, this wasn't too long after he was diagnosed."

"Was he…"

Mom sighs. "He was already cooking meth. He'd already been responsible for the deaths of two people at this point. I… I had no idea. Not until later."

"Yeah, I know you didn't know," Holly says. If all she had to go by was this video, she'd say he seemed like a sweet guy, getting all sentimental at his unborn daughter's baby shower. 

This is why Holly has trust issues. 

The video keeps going, and Flynn interviews other party guests, her dad's co-workers, friends of her mom's who must have drifted out of her life after Holly's birth. He gets fixated on a guest's cleavage, and Holly laughs through her tears. "Same old Flynn," she says.

After the end of the video, Mom blows her nose and says, "Look, Holly, I know your childhood wasn't… ideal--"

"No, Mom, it was fine. I know you--" 

"--no, please let me finish, it wasn't what I wanted for you, and I know you grew up faster than… I wanted you to. But when you go off to college, I need you to know that--well, no matter what other lies he told later, what your father said in that video was true. I'm so proud of you, Holly, and you do have a family that loves you, you always have. And we'd do anything for you."

"I know," Holly says, absently fingering the locket Flynn had given her years ago. "Thanks, Mom." She hugs her mom and says, "We should go to bed. We have a long drive tomorrow." She goes to her room and slips the DVD into her suitcase, even though she hadn't put "ghosts" on her packing list.

* * *

*) Holly finds a spot in the back of Green Hall. The presentation starts in five minutes, but the room's only about half full. "Hope Beyond Substance Abuse" isn't the most popular topic for most college students. On stage, there's a table set up with a few microphones, but the speakers aren't out yet. 

Then the moderator, Megan from the Health and Wellness office, comes out and introduces their guests: Dr. Iverson from Mass Gen's Center for Addiction Medicine, Dr. Nguyen from the National Institute on Drug Abuse, and Jesse Pinkman, motivational speaker. 

Jesse Pinkman is the last person she would have expected to find at Wellesley. At first when she'd seen his name on the events calendar, she'd been angry. She'd come to Massachusetts to get away from Heisenberg, and it had worked. No one here connects Holly Lambert with Holly White, the daughter of someone whose crimes had been done 20 years ago halfway across the country. 

She doesn't really have time for this--she has a lab report due tomorrow morning for her genetics seminar--but still, somehow she'd felt compelled to come, and here she is. Being in the back means she can easily bail if it gets weird.

Holly stares at Jesse while Dr. Nguyen talks about the brain chemistry of addicts. Jesse's middle-aged now, and a full beard hides his face. From this distance, she can't tell if his face is still scarred, the way it was during his trial. He's wearing a button-down shirt instead of the retro hoodies he was usually photographed with. Still, Holly knows it's the same man who once cooked meth with her father. The man who, if the media is to be believed, had his life ruined by her father just as much as the rest of her family had. 

Holly's seen old footage from some of Jesse's trial online. When he was on the stand, he'd barely been able to talk about what had happened. He'd been like a zombie. Holly assumed he'd been on some kind of anti-depressant.

Now, when Jesse speaks, he's self-deprecating, even shy. He's not what you'd expect a meth dealer to be like--though, of course, neither had Holly's father. 

Jesse clears his throat and says, "Oh man, I'm gonna be honest, I didn't really understand most of what she just said about brain chemistry. Like, all I can tell you guys is my brain is definitely a fried egg." The crowd laughs good-naturedly, and then Jesse explains how drugs ruined his life, how if he could go back in time and take it all back, he would. He tells them how at first, cooking meth had seemed like an easy way to make money, and he'd enjoyed the product, too. "At first, I thought it was, uh, a victimless crime, you know? I wasn't forcing anybody to buy my product."

But then he tells them about friends he lost to the drug. He gets choked up telling them about a messed up little kid he'd seen in the house of methheads. He doesn't talk much about Heisenberg directly, but he tells them about being forced to cook meth for neo-Nazis. He doesn't go into graphic detail, but he doesn't need to. He tells them about jail, and how Narcotics Anonymous saved his life.

Jesse looks out at the audience and says, "I'd say that all of you guys are probably too smart to be using drugs, or cooking meth, but I, uh, I've known some very intelligent people who did some… some really bad stuff. So just… please… If any of you out there are struggling with substance abuse… look, if I can get clean, any of you can. I promise." He's terribly earnest and even to a scientist like Holly, he's more compelling than the clinical approach Dr. Iverson and Dr. Nguyen are taking. 

After the talk, Holly stands up and shoulders her backpack. She hadn't been sure if she'd want to meet Jesse Pinkman, but now she finds herself drawn to the front of the room. A few of her classmates are asking questions about Dr. Nguyen's research. Jesse is standing off to the side of the stage, fidgeting with his phone. Up close, she can see that the scars that had marked his face during his trial have faded, or maybe just been masked by the fine lines of early middle age. You might not notice the scars if you weren't staring, like Holly is.

"Um. Hi… Mr. Pinkman?" she says, unsure how to address him. She's a little surprised that she's taller than he is. At 5'10, Holly's taller than a lot of people, but Jesse Pinkman has loomed so large in her family mythology that she'd somehow expected him to be bigger in person. 

"Oh. Hi… call me Jesse," he says. He rubs a hand across the back of his neck. "What, um, can I help you?" 

"I just wanted to... I'm Holly. Lambert. But, um, my name used to be--"

"Holly White. Oh, shit." He covers his mouth. "Sorry. Wow. So, uh…"

"I saw that you were going to be on campus, so I thought I'd…"

"Yeah. Wow. I, uh, I've thought about looking your family up, but, uh… I wasn't sure if you'd wanna hear from me?"

"Yeah," Holly says vaguely, because until recently she's not sure she would have. But she'd been moved by his speech, by his demeanor. She thinks back to the Lifetime Movie version of Jesse Pinkman, so tragically manipulated by her villainous father, and asks, "How long are you in town? Do you live around here?"

"No, I, uh… well, after I got out of prison, I was living in Alaska for awhile… just, kind of a fresh start, uh, and then… well, my NA leader told me I'd be a good public speaker? Which, I dunno about that, but, uh, I've been going to some schools and stuff for the last few years, doing this kind of thing. How are… how are you doing? How's your family?"

"They're good. Um. Do you wanna go get a coffee or something? We can... catch up?" 

"Uh…" Jesse says, and suddenly Holly wonders if it was weird for her to ask. But then he says, "Uh, yeah, sure, let me just… they gave me like a student guide to make sure I wouldn't get lost on campus or whatever, let me just… tell her." 

Jesse steps away, and Holly briefly wonders if she'll see him again. He seems so nervous. He comes back a minute later, although he still seems skittish. She gives what she hopes is a friendly smile--Holly's been told that she comes across as being pretty intense--and she asks, "So… uh… how's your life been?"

"Um, fine, I guess. How about yours?"

"Uh… you know, could be worse. This speaking gig is kinda cool. I get to travel around. I've seen a bunch of places I never got to see before. I mean, mostly just inside gyms and student unions, but… still. Beats jail," he says with a half-smile.

"Yeah, I bet."

"So… you're a student here?"

"Yeah, I'm a junior."

"That's cool…" Jesse's fidgeting with his hands, seemingly at a loss for words. 

Hoping she's not about to go on the most awkward non-date of her life, Holly says, "Here, let's, um, there's a Peet's nearby? If that's okay?"

"Sure, sure. Anything's fine." 

Holly should have known Jesse wouldn't have strong opinions about chain coffeeshops. She leads the way to Peet's where, after a brief, awkward discussion, she buys green tea for both of them. It's been three years since Holly won the Schwartz Foundation's scholarship, and she's still not really used to being rich. Mostly, as a college student, she lives like she isn't. But it's undeniably nice to not have to worry about things like paying her tuition, or taking a spring break road trip with her friends, or buying a cup of tea for her father's former criminal associate.

Holly and Jesse settle into a corner table, sitting across from each other. She says, "Hey, your speech was… it was really moving." 

Jesse shrugs and looks down at his tea. "Thanks. Just, uh. It's just what happened. I, uh…" he lets out a breath. "It's gotten easier for me to talk about everything, I guess. It's been a long time, and uh… if it can help people… then, uh, that's good. But I just… look, Holly, I just have to say, I'm so sorry, for everything that happened to your family."

"What happened to us was my father's fault. It's not like things turned out that great for you, either, right?"

"Uh, no, not so much. But still… uh, can you please forgive me?" He gives her a sheepish smile. "It's one of my steps, you know."

"Yeah, of course I forgive you," Holly says, a little surprised he would ask it of her. "It's not… I've never blamed you. You weren't that much older than me, when everything got started with you two, right? And he was your high school teacher?"

"I mean, yeah. But I was an adult. I have to take responsibility for my actions," Jesse says. It sounds like it's part of a script.

"Still, though, that's really messed up. Everything I know about my dad makes him sound like a really messed up guy."

"That's… not wrong. But, I mean, he was… uh, really smart. You must be smart too, if you're at a school like this, right?"

"I'm pretty smart, yeah," Holly says. She believes in honesty. "But it's mostly because I study a lot." 

"Makes sense. So, uh, what are you studying? Not chemistry, I hope?"

"Biological sciences. I'm on the pre-med school track." 

"Oh, you want to be a doctor?"

"Yeah."

"Right on," Jesse says. He wraps both hands around his tea and says, "I'm really glad you turned out okay. I… it probably wasn't easy."

"From what my brother says, I think it was better that I never knew my father."

"Yeah, I don't think I could argue with that, honestly. He was… a piece of work. How, uh, how's your brother doing? And your mom? Are they okay?"

"Um, pretty good. Flynn--he legally changed his name from Walter White Jr., for obvious reasons--lives in San Francisco now, he has a video game production company. It's doing pretty well."

Jesse's face lights up and he briefly looks much younger than forty-something. "Cool, like what games does he make?" 

"Uh, the last one was … Extreme Demolition Derby 3? I think? Something like that." Holly's too busy for video games, and whenever her brother tells her about his latest project she always has trouble telling it apart from his last one. 

"No _way_. Oh man, tell your brother I love his work. "

"Will do."

"Okay, what about the rest of your family?"

"Mom still lives in Albuquerque, doing accounting stuff. Um, aboveboard accounting stuff. I think she's basically too stubborn to leave, plus my Aunt Marie still lives there, and they… well. I don't think they know how to live away from each other." 

"Oh, god, Marie… I met her. She… " Jesse shakes his head. "I'm really sorry about your uncle Hank, by the way. He, uh… he was a good guy."

"Oh, yeah," Holly says. "That's what I hear." She sips her tea. She remembers Aunt Marie telling her about meeting Jesse, how Uncle Hank had caught him trying to burn down their old house. Her testimony had helped Jesse's case. 

"Sorry. I guess you don't really remember him." Jesse runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head. 

"No, I don't. Look, you don't owe me anything, Jesse. I just… I don't know, I thought it was such a weird coincidence that you were going to be at my school, and I wanted to meet you, after everything I've heard about you."

"Yeah, no, I'm glad we got to meet, it's just… " he exhales. "Well, weird. What, uh, have you heard about me?"

Holly shrugs. "Well, you must have seen the Lifetime movie…"

"Uh, actually, no, I have been avoiding that. And the Tarantino one. And pretty much everything else."

"Oh. Well, the one Quentin Tarantino directed is really gross, it acts like my father was some kind of misunderstood, badass anti-hero. But you come off pretty good in the Lifetime one, really. Like, um, the part where Drew Sharp dies… super sad."

Jesse winces, and Holly says, "Sorry, I mean… I'm sure it was in real life too. But that's the point, though, in the movie when that happens, you totally lost it, and my father just like, cleaned up the body. It's disgusting. I mean, I know the movie probably exaggerated, but not that much. I... I grew up with all this stuff, I've read as much as I could about your case, and the charges against my parents, and all that… so, like I said, I don't blame you. From everything I know, my father was… I don't know, some kind of sociopath."

"Look, Holly, I don't want you to get the wrong idea… I'm not like, totally innocent. I did… well, you heard me earlier. I did some really bad stuff."

Holly sighs. "I know. So did my mom. But it wasn't her _idea_ , you know? She's not a bad person. She was just trying to protect me and Flynn. And I think you were… I think you were trying to protect people, too."

"Hmm. Look, um. I don't want to give you my whole speech again, or anything, but… in NA, we say you have to either run from things, or accept them, you know? But if you run from things… they'll catch up with you eventually, and then you're just exhausted from the running. So, like, I've accepted that I've done… terrible things, that I can't undo. And maybe sometimes I had a good reason for doing them, but that doesn't change anything. But I also accept that those things don't have to define me, not anymore. So… I hope you can accept that… that what your father did doesn't have to define you. It shouldn't define you."

"NA sounds a lot like therapy," Holly says, with a little laugh.

"Yeah, it kinda is. But there's usually doughnuts at NA, and my therapist never feeds me," Jesse says with an unexpected grin.

"Mine, neither. Maybe I should start going to NA."

"Unless you're actually an addict, you'd probably be better off just going to Dunkin Donuts." He frowns. "Wait, you don't use, do you?"

"Nothing but coffee," Holly says. "I did grow up with a pretty intense cautionary tale."

"Right. Well, that's good, I guess. I mean, you know, silver lining," Jesse says, fidgeting with his empty cup.

"Right," Holly agrees. She takes the last swallow of her tea, now bitter and ice cold. She doesn't want to stop talking to Jesse, but her lab report isn't going to write itself. "I guess it's getting kinda late, and you're probably tired from traveling. But I can help you get back to your hotel if you want? Since you ditched your student guide?"

"Yeah. Sure, thanks. I'm at, uh, the Wellesley College Club?"

"Oh yeah, the college puts a lot of visiting scholars up there," Holly says, leading the way out the door.

Jesse laughs. "Visiting scholar! God, my mom would be proud."

"Oh, is your mom--"

"She's still alive, but we don't really talk," Jesse says quickly.

"Oh. Sorry. Do you have any other family?" Holly realizes that she knows a lot about Jesse's criminal history, but not much about his personal history.

"Yeah, I stay in touch with my little brother, Jake. I'm actually an uncle, now. He and his partner have two kids."

"Oh, that's nice."

"Yeah, it's great," Jesse says. "I don't wanna brag or anything, but they're the cutest kids ever. Wanna see pictures?"

"Sure," Holly agrees.

Jesse passes her his phone. Holly looks down and smiles. "You're right, they're pretty cute."

"Oh my god, what is _that_?"

Holly looks up from Jesse's niece and nephew and says, "Oh, _that_ is a sculpture called ['The Sleepwalker.'](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/21/wellesley-creepy-statue-womens-campus_n_4832251.html) Apparently it was pretty controversial when it was first installed, but now it's just… part of campus." Holly had definitely been surprised the first time she'd seen the incredibly lifelike sculpture of a nearly-naked man.

"Okay. So you see the creepy dude in tighty-whiteys, too?" Jesse's stopped walking and is staring at the sculpture with wide eyes.

Holly laughs and hands his phone back. "Yeah, don't worry, it's real. Want me to take your picture with it?"

"Noo. No, thank you. God, you know, your dad used to wear… you know what, actually, that's probably too much information."

"Uh. Were you going to tell me a story about my dead dad's underwear?"

"Yeah. Can we just forget about that?"

"Not sure I'll be able to."

"Me neither, actually," Jesse says. 

"Wait, you and my father didn't, uh--"

"Oh, god, no. No. He just would… he didn't want all his clothes to smell like, you know, meth, so…" He shakes his head. "I saw a lot more of your father than I ever wanted to, believe me. I, uh, used to tease him about his dorky underwear."

"Wow. I can't believe they didn't include that detail in the Lifetime movie."

"Yeah, probably would have really boosted the ratings."

It's a relief to Holly to laugh about this, and she's vaguely disappointed when they get to the College Club. "Well, uh, this is you."

"Oh, hey, wait," Jesse says, his brows furrowed. "Are you gonna be okay to walk back by yourself?"

"Um, I think I can find my dorm okay."

"No, I mean, you know, safety-wise?"

"Oh! Yeah, it's a weeknight on an all-women campus. I'll be fine," Holly says, not pointing out the irony of a convicted felon offering to walk her back to her dorm.

"Okay, if you're sure," Jesse says, still looking concerned.

"Seriously, I walk by myself at night all the time here. Plus, I've got pepper spray. My mom insisted on it."

"Well, that makes me feel better, I guess? So, thanks for guiding me. If it weren't for you, I'd probably still be hiding in the bushes from that statue. And thanks for the tea. It was really good to meet you, Holly."

"Yeah. You, too. Uh… are you on Facebook or anything?"

"No, no, none of that. But I have email. I even check it sometimes." He fumbles in his jacket pocket and scrawls an address on a Taco Bell receipt. "Yeah. Here. Keep in touch. There's a lot of schools around here so I'll probably be back eventually. And, uh, don't do drugs, okay?"

"You got it," Holly says. She hesitates, then offers him a handshake. He shakes her hand and then disappears inside the building, leaving Holly with an unexpected link to her past and a newfound disgust for the Sleepwalker sculpture. 

Holly passes by the Sleepwalker again on her way back to her dorm. She stops in front of it and remembers what Jesse had said. She hopes she's not going to think about her father every time she sees this creepy statue's tighty-whiteys now. She went halfway across the country to get away from him and his legacy.

 _You either run from things or you face them,_ she thinks, and glares at the statue. She thinks about everything Jesse went through, everything her family went through. All things considered, Holly hasn't had it so bad. 

If her mom could keep it together and raise Holly, and Jesse Pinkman could somehow become a motivational speaker… well, then, Holly can walk past this statue while she gets her college degree. Besides, it is pretty funny if she thinks about it.

Holly walks on past the Sleepwalker, her head held high. She's faced her past, and now she has a genetics lab report to write before tomorrow morning.

**Author's Note:**

> The Wellesley [Sleepwalker statue](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/21/wellesley-creepy-statue-womens-campus_n_4832251.html) is real, although I'm asking for a tiny bit of artistic license since it's only meant to be a temporary exhibit.


End file.
